Parenting On Glass

In the beginning, child rearing can seem blissful and wholesome and wonderful despite the many difficulties, but, as time goes on, things change. When children are too young for understanding their cries merely signal to us that something is wrong in their world, but they don’t communicate complicated inner realities. Even at this point though, cracks may begin to form in our perfect relationship. One frustrated groan, one unspoken wish for silence at any cost, and the tectonic plates of our separate personhoods begin to diverge, or, put another way, evil seeps in between us and our beautiful, precious child. No longer may we sit in delighted contentment with them in our arms in unashamed innocence. There is always that sliver of guilt cutting us as we stroke their face.

As children develop they begin to show signs of our failures. When a hug is resisted because a harsh word is remembered or naked fear is witnessed on the face of a toddler being restrained perhaps too forcefully, what comfort is there for the parent knowing they have shattered their child’s perfect world? Yes, the pieces may be put back together, but the cracks remain and they are sharp.

And as they mature, what of secrets and lies, discipline and fights, neglect and all the little ways we let each other know we aren’t as valued as we’d hoped? They push us apart, continents which were once joined, and the finality of it — the stain on a once-perfect love, the sheer agony of having known innocence and lost it — tears us apart. The futures we imagined with deep friendship, sweet laughter, simple joy? Impossible. The past we’d hoped would be so beautiful in memory? Tainted. And the very ability we have to imagine perfection cuts deeply. None of our relationships are ever perfect or innocent, but the fact that we started out so close brings the darkness into sharp relief.

I am reminded of my own mother crying in our vehicle in my elementary school parking lot, “I want my baby back!” and how I at 11 years old was suddenly brought up against this agony of lost relationship and innocence. I never wanted this for myself. I would be a caring and gentle and patient father and my children would never have to feel this pain. Not with me. Never with me.

This story was originally posted on my blog.